Thursday, January 13, 2011

.not safe for human habitation.

My head is so very much a place I wouldn't wish ANYONE to live.  Really.  Yesterday after a long day of cozy snuggles and watching episode after episode of Merlin online (shut it, yes I have my nerdy streak) and making what was ultimately a seriously amazing pulled pork I began mulling over my romantical life as I am often wont to do these days.

That was not a smart move.
Because then began the classic April style over-analyzing in which I work myself up into such a frenzy of unwarranted disappointment and negativity.  I blame myself for this, well myself and the unfortunate interactions I have had with men up until recently.  I consider myself such a champ for being able to continue to put myself out there and meet men and date.  I mean theoretically I could totally shut myself off from love and dating, but because I don't, I figure I'm so advanced I can just let go of what has happened in the past (pretty much standard  liars, cheaters, users, and then one very seriously heart-wrenching blow of a broken engagement and the ensuing messed up co-dependency that lasted for almost a year afterward even though we were four states apart and he, in his bipolar induced mania, moved in with and married another woman).  Maybe I'm not really over it?  I mean, I am certainly over it in the 'I-would-never-take-you-back-if-you-were-the-last-man-on-earth' sense, but I don't know.  How do you get over, as in truly get over, someone else's actions?  I mean, I'm no longer emotionally hurting from what happened, but these individuals' actions have certainly left me with some issues.  And while I try very hard and feel that I generally succeed at not projecting these issues onto other men that I date, I do have my moments where these issues are kind of all consuming.  And then there are a very select few friends that I unload them all onto, which I hate to do, but sometimes I really need to.  Generally I kind of feel that no one should have to listen to my nonsense except me.  And here is the kicker, when I'm in the middle of one of these neurotic spirals and I'm either on my own or talking to a friend I am so fully aware of how I sound.  And I hate it.  Which makes it all the worse I feel.  I know exactly how I sound and know exactly how ridiculous I am being and I just can't stop.  It's like a train with no brakes.  I either run out of steam on my own or there is usually one person that can talk me down and stop the train Superman style.  Either way you slice it though, it is EXHAUSTING.  By the end of the night yesterday I was wiped.  I felt like I had run a marathon.  And emotionally, I probably had.

Ugh.  In the realm of positive things (well I mean, it IS positive that I'm not dumping my neuroses on the guys I date...there would be not even a glimmer of hope for me if I did) there is a new(er) car in my future and I'm on to bigger and better cooking projects.  Well maybe not better or even bigger for that matter.  But they are out there, waiting to be conquered.

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