Monday, May 23, 2011

.i am tired.

I am tired of  alot of things.  Tired of not having enough money.  Tired of feeling like crap.  Tired of hiding things from people (and no it is nothing like an affair - suffice to say my boyfriend is one of a handful of people who knows the whole story and has supported me through it).  Tired of trying to make things in my life better and getting stonewalled at every turn.  One step forward and two steps back.  Something like that.
Now I know it is not an attractive quality to constantly engage in your own personal pity party.  And I know that there are oodles of people that have it worse than I do.  I openly acknowledge that I am not facing starvation, natural disasters, or third world death squads.  Further, I don't even have to live at home with my parents and listen to them harp on my "wonderful" life choices.  But I do know that everyone is allowed to really feel and perhaps wallow in the various burdens and stresses in their lives.  And I recently dealt with circumstances that has given me pause to really feel bad for myself and examine the various misfortunes I've either invited into my life or that have otherwise befallen me.
Don't get me wrong, I love my life and despite floundering and struggling as I have in the past three or so years, I would probably not choose another way.  My family is always there, my friends (some of whom I've met through this nontraditional path) are tremendous, and the man in my life loves me and accepts me no matter what and pretty much always will; he is a pillar of strength, love, and support.  He is my light in even my darkest hours, and trust me the hours have been pretty dark these past couple of weeks.
But here is to hoping that I am slowly pushing through to the light, and there is a new apartment, a new job, and a more serious romantic relationship waiting for me on the other side.  Because let me tell you.  I deserve something good right about now.

And I never did tell you about my cake, did I?
Check this place out for the general gist of the recipe.  Seriously so good if you like a light and sweet cake.  And non chocolate.  Also majorly labor intensive, but very impressive looking.  Definitely a celebration cake.